lately i've been thinking a lot about how life can turn a complete one eighty in less time than it takes to bat an eyelash...don't get me wrong, things could not be better for me...life really is smiling on me, for some reason that just makes me nervous because i feel like i don't know how easily that can change...
thursday turned out to be an amazing day for me and it really made me realize just how lucky i am in life and how i've been able to put myself in a position to where i have things that i want and i am doing things that i love and it's going really well for me. i just started a really great internship that i think i am really going to enjoy for the next year, and i'm just ultimately stoked that i can be doing something that i'm going to enjoy and really believe in because otherwise i would feel like all the time i'm spending doing it would be wasted. i'm also glad that school's started because it means that my friends are back and i have tons of people to see and hang out with and there's always something to do..plus i like spending time in class and learning and all that bisnaz too..i love my apartment, it's so comfortable, living with jackie is sweet, she's such a great roommate and we really have a vibe together...the only complaint i can possibly wage is that i'm super broke and that's been a pretty difficult thing for me to deal with, but i've been working with it and it's alright...so just in general things have been going great for me and i'm really happy about that
it's just that lately i've been faced with a series of events that have really just blown my mind...they've been making me spend alot of time thinking about how one moment you can be having the time of your life and the next you might not even have a life...near death experiences of my dad, mom and brother and the actual death of a person i just met imprinted themselves on my brain...it scares me to think about what could have happened to my family and how i would feel if anything did happen to them...especially cuz now i know how easily a life can be taken away unexpectedly...
i just hope that in feeling all of this i dont get too overwhelmed with the fact that even tho life can be going perfectly, there's still unseen dangers that could put an end to all those wonderful things...i guess instead of that i have to just focus on making my world as worthwhile as possible because the worst thing of all would be if my life was wasted....at least i know that i'm living a life that i can be happy with, and i know that there is so much ahead of me to look forward to that thinking about what could happen is just pointless...i'm just afraid, even tho i don't really feel like i need to be, it's hard not to
anyways i feel like my existential crisis actually kinda started on thursday as well because at my first day of internship (at a christian mission might i add) i was asked if i went to church, when i said no his response was "but you believe in god though right?", luckily i wasn't pressured to defend myself but it did get me thinking about my reasons for not believing in god...but...that's a whole nother post....
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