Ode to the Most Amazing Roommate in the World!

i've just been inspired.

and because of this i just have to say that i could never have dreampt of being able to live with a cooler person than jackie...she takes care of me the way i've ever wanted anyone else to. and she wants to, she want to be there for me in ways that no other people have ever cared to be for me...it's amazing...she gives me cash when i am broke and she buys me food all the time, we talk out our problems and tell eachother every detail about our days and can just unwind everything to eachother...i never even have to ask for anything from her because she just wants to be there for me, and if i ever need anything she never makes me ashamed to ask for it.

it's so amazing that i can rely on a friend like that...i know this might sound incredibly dumb but she did the coolest thing for me today as my "early birthday present" which she has been loudly trying to hide from me for the last couple weeks trying to get my hopes up....it's kinda stupid but it meant so much to me...hah...she bought me a bong as my early birthday present and gave it to me this afternoon, but i didn't have anything to smoke out of it and i was kinda bummed..so i left to hang out with my friend camilla and told her about the new bong and she said she could pack some herb in it later, but when we got to my house she showed me how much she had and it totally wasn't even enough to get one person high....so i was even more bummed about that cuz i didn't want the first smoke out of my new bong to not even get anyone high! that's such a bad omen for a bong! the first bowl needs to be such a fatty that everyone who smokes it gets so blazed and is like "damn that's a sweet new bong!".....as i'm thinking this, i look over at the area where i keep the bong and i see a little bag of weed that jackie left for me...for me to smoke out of my brand new bong...for me to get superblazed the first time i ever smoke out of my brand new bong that she bought me...awwwwww....and i did! i know its kind of a random thing to get rediculously excited about....but she just knew me so well, better than i ever even knew...i never thought i could have been so excited to find a bag of weed....hah! it's crazy how sometimes something so small can make you look at the bigger picture

i guess i could just say that i am lucky and a half to have such a laid back and awesome person in my life and the part thats really amazing is that she's only the most awesome, i also know so many other awesome people that could give her a run for her money...and i luckily feel that i do my part to be the same for those people...how could i not? i hopefully try to assert myself strongly in making my friends feel as happy for having me as a friend as i feel for them...reciprocity man...balance! hah! you caught me this time justice...you are one kick ass bitch!

anyways...this thanksgiving i am thankful for my roommate...things never could be better between us....now i just wish i could find a way to show her my grattitude...ooh man i'll have to think this one out!!

The Scales of Justice

i feel like between now and the last time i posted on here my life has been subjected to an unstable balance beam

so many times have i thrown out the idea of balance and i am now so convinced that it is something i will need to learn about and challenge throughout the course of my entire life!!!

i often get this sensation that i am a little metal pinball and some kind of giant pinball machine is tossing me back and forth between the little flippers and some unseen force is nudging the machine in it's particular preference of direction. then i think that justice, without ever having seen me, tosses my little pinball between her scales and i'm liable to just fly away at that point and never be heard from again.........but she catches me.

and oh yeah to being caught. people can find me, and people can know me, people can love me and people can get annoyed by me, people can think that i bring a smile to their face and people can not stand the presence of me. but no one will ever catch me. will they?

Intergalactic planetary

lately i've been thinking a lot about how life can turn a complete one eighty in less time than it takes to bat an eyelash...don't get me wrong, things could not be better for me...life really is smiling on me, for some reason that just makes me nervous because i feel like i don't know how easily that can change...

thursday turned out to be an amazing day for me and it really made me realize just how lucky i am in life and how i've been able to put myself in a position to where i have things that i want and i am doing things that i love and it's going really well for me. i just started a really great internship that i think i am really going to enjoy for the next year, and i'm just ultimately stoked that i can be doing something that i'm going to enjoy and really believe in because otherwise i would feel like all the time i'm spending doing it would be wasted. i'm also glad that school's started because it means that my friends are back and i have tons of people to see and hang out with and there's always something to do..plus i like spending time in class and learning and all that bisnaz too..i love my apartment, it's so comfortable, living with jackie is sweet, she's such a great roommate and we really have a vibe together...the only complaint i can possibly wage is that i'm super broke and that's been a pretty difficult thing for me to deal with, but i've been working with it and it's alright...so just in general things have been going great for me and i'm really happy about that

it's just that lately i've been faced with a series of events that have really just blown my mind...they've been making me spend alot of time thinking about how one moment you can be having the time of your life and the next you might not even have a life...near death experiences of my dad, mom and brother and the actual death of a person i just met imprinted themselves on my brain...it scares me to think about what could have happened to my family and how i would feel if anything did happen to them...especially cuz now i know how easily a life can be taken away unexpectedly...

i just hope that in feeling all of this i dont get too overwhelmed with the fact that even tho life can be going perfectly, there's still unseen dangers that could put an end to all those wonderful things...i guess instead of that i have to just focus on making my world as worthwhile as possible because the worst thing of all would be if my life was wasted....at least i know that i'm living a life that i can be happy with, and i know that there is so much ahead of me to look forward to that thinking about what could happen is just pointless...i'm just afraid, even tho i don't really feel like i need to be, it's hard not to

anyways i feel like my existential crisis actually kinda started on thursday as well because at my first day of internship (at a christian mission might i add) i was asked if i went to church, when i said no his response was "but you believe in god though right?", luckily i wasn't pressured to defend myself but it did get me thinking about my reasons for not believing in god...but...that's a whole nother post....

chances are you're over me

GOD! So, since we're on the subject of me being EMO!! i just have to say that i have been dealing with this ridiculous work situation... blah!

ok, so basically if you know me very well at all then you know that i work at the magic show, the magic of polynesia staring john hirokawa, el espectaculo del magico. i really love working there, i like the people i work with, i like what i have to do, and i like that i can capitalize on the fact that people come to the magic show to have fun and be entertained, i especially like that i know that many peoples idea of fun and entertainment is getting drunk, i know that's my idea!! so i get to capitalize on that at a place where fun is inherent anyways! i like that, i like my job. i wouldn't have stayed there for two years if i didn't think it was a good fit for me.

the thing is, recently...my manager has completely turned on me! i knew that i have never been her number one favorite or anything like that, i've never killed the sales the way other people who work there can do, i can't speak japanese and i apparently don't have any really extra special attributes to the job....well..actually i have always been really good at squeezing the dollars out of the white man...but lately i haven't even been able to do that because my manager has like launched this personal vendetta against me and i really don't know where it is coming from or why!!

it just sucks because the worst part about it is the way she is making me feel with her negativity, i just feel like i am here, trying to be a good employee and doing my best to make money with what i have to work with and doing the best that i can, and there she is trying to cut me down in anyway possible...and she's the manager! she has authority over shit! she gives me shitty fucking sections that could not possibly make money and then berates me for not making enough money...she purposefully sets me up so i look bad and then makes me feel like a total retard for not being "as good" or whatever...i don't get it...i totally don't even know what i did to deserve this.

i guess that i just have to confront her. if i go one more day of work feeling like a totally worthless asshole i just wont be able to stand it anymore...it's really making me stress, and it's not cool for someone that i should respect to make me feel worthless and unimportant...i need to be stronger than that and stick up for myself...i truly feel that if i confront her with the idea that i feel like she wants me to quit, she will find some reason to tell me that i shouldn't quit, she knows she needs me on staff and if she knows that her behavior makes me feel like i should quit, then hopefully that will make her want to change it...and if it doesn't, then maybe i really should just quit...

ah man..i want school to start...

i live in bizzaro world

So I've recently been wrestling with the idea that i just like things to go away from me...i distance myself from people who want to be there for me, physically and emotionally while at the same attaching myself and my emotions to people that go away...it's like i find some kind of security in the idea that i dont know for some reason people that aren't around me, can't hurt me as much as the ones who are close to me...i have such a hard time letting in good genuine people (especially guys!!!) because i'm afraid that i won't have an excuse to hate them later if they hurt me, and i feel like it would hurt more if someone that genuinely cared about me left, so i don't let them. either i leave them or i don't let myself care about them enough for it to hurt.

now the worst part is the fact that, when it comes to guys anyways, i choose to be attracted to, or to attach myself to guys who it's like i know ahead of time will be leaving in the near future...or something...like tourists, or touring band members, or guys from out of state, or who live on the opposite side of the island or move to other islands...i guess just the idea that if things don't work out, i'll never have to see them again is just too tempting..but if things do work out i kinda just screw myself...but things don't usually work out because no one wants to deal with a last minute attachment that you don't want to take with you anywhere...or have to worry about trying to take somewhere...god, i'm not even following myself at this point


i guess this is just a pretty overwhelming subject for me right now because i recently started dating like four guys who just left (san diego, texas, west coast tour, and the northshore) and i'm all alone and totally off my game now, and i have no one to talk to (besides my buddies of course...the ones who i would never let out of my lives ever!!) and i'm just starting to think that i really set myself up for it..i don't know why, am i doing it on purpose? i don't think so...

does this make sense to anyone?

how we know

I guess i'm not a very good blogger because i haven't posted in like three months...lol oh well...i had once decided that i was gonna write here once a week...but i guess that only works when your being emo...now the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm avoiding homework...i also need to get out some writing blocks and get down on a keyboard so i can work a little better.

the thing is i'm writing a paper on my dad's current on again off again girlfriend Carol, and it's just been a really weird assignment for me for a lot of random reasons and i just really dont feel like doing it...what i'm hoping to do is make it really personal and hopefully i can do that by getting some of my ideas about it worked out in here before i set to work on it...and if i manage to do a good enough job in here figuring shit out, then maybe i can use some of it for my paper! lol! kill two birds with one stone.

so first of all, the class is called hawaiian, asian and pacific women in Hawaii, the assignment is to write a biography paper on one of those women...i guess all the local people had a pretty good advantage cuz they just interviewed they're mothers or grandmothers or aunties...but since i don't have any one around here finding someone was gonna be tricky. especially given the fact that i've already done two extensive interview and biography papers in my four years at UH...i'm kind of out of sources here...i guess i figured that since carol was the only local woman i really knew, it would be a good chance for us to get to know eachother.

i guess the thing that's been really going through my mind about it is the whole issue of my dad, i know the two have been dating for a while, and i met carol last summer so i know that things have been going really good for them...apparently they've been together since the fourth of July, when he tried to cop a feel under the fireworks after waiting for her all day to show up...too bad her oldest son was there and wanted to beat my dad up! lol...

it's just always been weird for me having my dad dating, especially because i know that he's a total player and he played my mom and of course i've always had issues with that. But lately, he's been so different and i'm pretty positive a large part of it has to do with her. i can actually tell that a change has occured in his mentality, he's been a million more times responsible than i have ever known him to be in my entire life. For the first time my mom told me that he started paying off some of the $80,000 in child support that he legally owes her. about a month after i found out about that, my dad told me that he's been helping carol file child support claims with her ex-husband...he told me that it's a mess. It's pretty amazing to me that something finally clicked to him that made him decide that he wanted to be a reliable human being. i guess i just feel like i can connect with carol because her family is going through the same kind of thing that my family went through and i know it can be alot to deal with.

So the main thing that has really been going through my mind with this whole time is the idea of balance and changes. Life starts out simple, in carol's case, she grew up in wahiawa where her mother and father lived in the same house for her entire life and where her mother continues to reside now. living a life with this kind of stability creates a balance in your life. somethings change like you move out go to college and find romance. all these things upset the balance that has been carefully built up throughout your life and it always takes time to bring things back to equillibrium.

carol wasn't too explicit with the details of her life, mainly just gave me a rough timeline and some fun and interesting tidbits.

Pussy scented incense

lately i've been having a bit of difficulty determining what about my life i consider important.

is it because of the fact that i'm a raging alcoholic? maybe

is it my lack of ever having been in a long term relationship? probably

is it the idea of my leading a long tedious life of the same crap? definitely

so what do i consider important? i know my friends are pretty much number one to me, but how can i be sure of who's for real? and how do i know things aren't gonna change? at the end of this semester, half my friends will be leaving me. then what will i have? a few acquaintances nearby and a random spattering of people around the world that i will eventually lose touch with, it's already happening. I meet people that i think are cool as hell and then they just fade out of my life and i never hear from them again...so lately i've been desperately trying to cling onto the people i do have to make sure they never go away....but making drunk phone calls at three in the morning (six am new mexico time) will only get me so far in my desperate attempts to hold on to something familiar...what about this may when jackie leaves? i guess the only thing i can really do is enjoy the time we have together now or else i'll feel regret about it forever. especially when i later realize the intense effort it's going to take to stay in touch with her across continents and other such things. will facebook be around forever?

anyways the only way to fight reverse culture shock is for me to make the most of every minute that i can, and i'm trying...but i let it consume me sometimes...but it is these times when i really contemplate what i need to be doing with myself and really decide to make those things happen...hopefully i can follow through