Turn and face the strain

So i've realized that the first thing i need to change is my attitude...there's no need for me to be so emo.

i don't even know what i'm thinking most of the time....i love my life...i live in fucking hawai'i for god's sake...and my friends are my friends for a reason; cuz they're kick ass people!...oh and hello? i am responsible for my own bullshit! shouldn't i have learned this already?!

so anyways, starting now, i am gonna be positive...and that is the way for me to find a house...i need a home!

i'm on a rock, i'm on an island

well....i just have to say that i am completely jaded with my life...i knew this was going to happen too...i wanted to escape and experience something fun and new and exciting so i wouldn't feel so bored and annoyed with the life i was living...but, oh yeah, i forgot about the part where i had to come back to the old boring shit and now i have to go on with this shit forever and ever and ever! i realized all this shit in santa fe and now all of it is exactly the same here in honolulu...it's like i never left...its like no matter what i do i'm meant to be stuck living with the same bullcrap that has never been important to me

Fuck man

my major is leading me no where, my body is grossly overweight and out of shape, my friends are immature and never do anything to improve their lame situations, my job is nothing more than a money making machine with no respect for customer service or satisfaction, my life is a god damn bore...

i am so annoyed with everything right now...

but i guess the only way to go is up...i need to do something new...out of character for me...I NEED A FUCKING CHANGE OR I AM GOING TO DIE! IMMEDIATELY!

living is the way to death

i dont understand why some of the people i call "friends" are my friends...this confuses me....should i stop being friends with them...or should i honor my friendships?

i understand that i am never satisfied

i don't understand why

what is love

right now i've been thinking a lot about how drastically i thought things changed for me after being in spain and completely stepping outside myself for a different experience...but now i feel like i'm right back where i started from and all the things that i thought had changed are just coming back to me...and i feel like there's no way i can make a difference.

it's like...i feel like i have some kind of reputation that i've lived up to pretty strongly for most of my life but that i don't feel like represents how i feel about myself anymore...i don't want to be that person anymore...but the expectation is still there...everyone still sees me as the same person and it's really easy for me to fall back into stupid patterns that i really wish i could just leave behind forever.

i was talking to casey last night and she told me that you can't just run away from your problems...you have to face them...but i don't know how...i thought i was by going away and getting my head clear...i thought i had really contemplated how i act and how that affects me and my relationships with other people...and even though i really did change my mind and even some of my behaviors...i'm still seen as the same old person i always have been....and if people still see me that way...what's to say that i'm not still like that

i think i just mainly need to learn how to respect myself...i let other people treat me really badly and i don't stick up for myself...and then when i try to stick up for myself i just get out of control with my emotions and end up coming off like a bitch...so then i feel bad for defending myself even though i shouldn't....i don't know why i let certain people walk all over me...and i don't know how to not let that happen

that itself has been causing me alot of issues lately...but there is also all kinds of other things...like i've been thinking about things i've done in the past and regretted and i wonder what would have caused me to act that way...and i know that if i could i would go back and change it..or given a similar circumstance right now, i would hopefully act differently...but see..all these things just follow me...and i have to continue to analyze them and figure out what the hell i was thinking and just keep punishing myself for it...it drives me nuts

what can change?