right now i've been thinking a lot about how drastically i thought things changed for me after being in spain and completely stepping outside myself for a different experience...but now i feel like i'm right back where i started from and all the things that i thought had changed are just coming back to me...and i feel like there's no way i can make a difference.
it's like...i feel like i have some kind of reputation that i've lived up to pretty strongly for most of my life but that i don't feel like represents how i feel about myself anymore...i don't want to be that person anymore...but the expectation is still there...everyone still sees me as the same person and it's really easy for me to fall back into stupid patterns that i really wish i could just leave behind forever.
i was talking to casey last night and she told me that you can't just run away from your problems...you have to face them...but i don't know how...i thought i was by going away and getting my head clear...i thought i had really contemplated how i act and how that affects me and my relationships with other people...and even though i really did change my mind and even some of my behaviors...i'm still seen as the same old person i always have been....and if people still see me that way...what's to say that i'm not still like that
i think i just mainly need to learn how to respect myself...i let other people treat me really badly and i don't stick up for myself...and then when i try to stick up for myself i just get out of control with my emotions and end up coming off like a bitch...so then i feel bad for defending myself even though i shouldn't....i don't know why i let certain people walk all over me...and i don't know how to not let that happen
that itself has been causing me alot of issues lately...but there is also all kinds of other things...like i've been thinking about things i've done in the past and regretted and i wonder what would have caused me to act that way...and i know that if i could i would go back and change it..or given a similar circumstance right now, i would hopefully act differently...but see..all these things just follow me...and i have to continue to analyze them and figure out what the hell i was thinking and just keep punishing myself for it...it drives me nuts
what can change?
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I hope I don't treat you in ways that make you feel bad about yourself. Remember if you are set on a goal, follow through all the way, even if you fail you will be glad you tried. Growing takes time.
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